The best of the best generation

My Grandpa had a stroke in October 2010- just two short weeks from when my Stockton was born.  I was a mess.  It looked like he wasn't going to make it.  It was only a few months before that I had told him I was naming my baby after him (Stockton Lowell) and I was so worried my Grandpa would never meet his newest great grandson.  Stock was born and they wheeled my grandpa over to my side of the hospital to see him.  That was 4 1/2 years ago and I feel so blessed I still have him with us.  In February he had a major set back and he lost his ability to stand up on his own.  He needed so much help they had to put him into a assisted living place.  It's been very, very hard on him.  He hates it and wants to be home but his bones are giving out.  I went and saw him a couple of weeks ago and he even told me he loved me when I left.  I have never heard him say that to me.  I always knew he loved us grandkids but he isn't the kind of guy who says it a lot.  

They moved him facilities this last week or so and in the basement of this place is a wall where they honor WW 2 vets.  He is apart of that "greatest generation" that is living us so quickly.  He will be 90 this summer! A local quilting group makes one handmade quilt a year for a veteran and they picked my grandpa this year.  My aunt put together a surprise where family and a few friends of his met at his new place to present him the quilt.  My grandpa brought him down and he was so surprised.  I could tell it really meant a ton to him so many of us where there.  A lot of my cousins were there along with some of my moms cousins and their families.  Also my great uncle and his wife were there.  

 My aunt Roxey and the helping the ladies present him with his quilt

 Some of my mom's Jenkins family

 I remember when my boys were little I was always worried that they would never know my grandpa.  I'm not sure about my younger boys but I'm sure my older boys will always remember him.

28 weeks

I just wish I could have a nice little pregnancy.  Where everything is going really well without any drama.  That would be nice.  Like I'm just tired without feeling like I'm going to puke all the time.  That would be nice.  Some days I have a break down. I look at my house and kids and fall totally apart of my lack of taking care of what needs to be done. Then Bryan comes home and looks around my house and says things about the laundry not getting done or how dirty the house is. It makes me just cry. I just can't do it all. It's not like it was last summer when I felt good. I just miss my health. I miss having energy. I miss feeling like I had a handle on my life. I feel like I go in cycles of grief. I'm depressed then I'm angry then I accept it. I just want to scream at Bryan. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't. But he does help me clean more then he ever has. Men have a weird way of handling things. I just wish he would give me a hug and tell me I'm not a total failure. Because right now I total feel like I am. 

My stupid, stupid heart is my biggest problem right now. I'm so out of breath a lot of the time. My heart will race, I feel like someone is holding me upside down and all th blood rushing to my head. I get dizzy and sick. I have to lay down. If I take it easy I do better. I have a couples times of day I'm down. Morning for awhile and after I get Brett down for a nap. Speaking of Brett after my dr apt last week he gave his sticker to the baby:

I was 27 weeks in This photo. I'm huge. 

Let's back up a bit. April 27th (24 weeks) I went in to the dr. And we decided it would be good for me to see the heart dr.  They got me in the next day and did a EKG and set me up to get a hear moniter the next day. I've had one a couple of times before so I was ready for what it would be like. The stupid tape to hold it down itched soooo bad! And it gave me weird marks all over for weeks after. Ok I'm sorry these pictures are weird but I wanted to remember what it looks like. 

There are 7 cords hooked to these sticker things all over my chest and stomach. 

I didn't feel like going to Blake's soccer game that day because I was embarrassed looking like this. It worried my boys a little but I explained they didn't hurt only itched. Which is true. They didn't tell me much of the results but that I have a lot of early heart beats and it's not life threatening. So because the medicine that would help it would also go to my baby I'm on my own with this. It's so annoying but I would rather put up with it then hurt my baby. 

I was feeling bad one day and got on my friends blog and read about her miscarriage. She was about 15 weeks along. I just cried. You know it can always be so much worse. Every time I feel this little boy kick it lets me know he is ok. Every day that goes by I know he is growing and will be doing better in me then out. I'm so, so worried about him coming early. I've been worried from the beginning. Part of the reason I've been trying to take it so easy is because I am so worried. I actually had my husband give me a blessing the other day. I found out I had to get the second round of blood tests done to check for gestional diabeetus (where I am right now) and it just worries me. His blessing didn't make me feel that much better. I was told that I would be able to accept whatever the drs tell me for my pregnancy.  What if my baby has something wrong? What if I have something wrong with me? What if he comes early and we are in the NICU for months? But then he may come just right on time. 

I look around at people going through much worse things then me. Cancer, death, illness etc. I'm grateful I was able to get pregnant this many times and have my boys. I'm grateful that so far my baby seems to be doing great! He kicks and moves all the time. My boys love to feel him kick. It's going to be a super long hot summer. It already has been so hot!! I'm trying to do as much as I can so my other children don't miss out on anything because of me. 

Just a not about what this second sugar test is like. It sucks. I have to go in fasting, get my blood drawn. Drink this super sugary drink (think hi c times 10) in 5 mins. Wait. Hour get my blood drawn. Wait another hour and get blood drawn then one more hour then blood drawn. For someone who has crapy mornings anyway and morning sickness the first hour was super ruff. It was all I could do not to puke. I have just a little more then a half hour left and I'm so ready to eat the sandwich I packed for when I'm done. The things we mothers do for our babies!