Babies

The other day my baby turned 11 months old.  Seriously how did this happen? I've been so busy just trying to get through the day that I feel like I've missed the whole thing.  The sad thing is I KNEW this whole year I was missing it because I can't catch my breath it seems but there was no way around it! Let this be a warning to myself when I'm older- if you know someone who has a ton of tiny little kids- HELP THEM OUT.  Bring the dinner- be their friend.  Offer to car pool if you can.  Do little extra things to help them out.  Even if they look like they have it together they may not.  They may be like I am now.  They may cry because all their kids are mad at her for not spending enough time with them because all her time goes to a baby who won't sleep.  It's so hard. They may feel lonely even through they are surrounded by little people.  They may feel like not cleaning one more bathroom floor covered in pee for the 10th time that day. They may just need a friend.

I saw a picture of my friends new born baby and I cried.  I cried because I don't think I can handle another baby.  I cried because I feel like I should be able to do that. I want to be able to do that.  Bryan wants more kids but I don't think my sanity can take it.  I'm not being selfish here I promise.  I honestly think having another  kid would throw me into a depression.  I feel like I've had a little postpartum depression here an there but I don't dare say anything because it makes me feel like I'm a bad mom.  I also don't have time to go to a dr. because I don't want to bring my kids with me.  During the day I don't get a break from my kids.

I feel bad that I know it would be wonderful to have a girl.  I will never know what it's like to have a little girl.  I always have had a picture in my head what she would look like.  Blonde hair with a little curl and blue blue eyes. I know this name is weird but Bryan has always said he wanted to name our girl Kirtland. Honesty not my fav- but that was going to be her name.  I've always wanted to buy cute hair bows and dresses for her.  I wanted to do crafts and sew with her.  "Well you will have a lot of daughter in laws!" sorry that doesn't make me feel better.  Who would rather have a daughter in law then a daughter? How many daughter in laws treat their MIL like they do their own mom? "well I only have one girl, you don't want a girl they are hard." Ok.... "boys are easier then girls" really? How about some kids are easier then others.  I've always been able to laugh this all off because in the back of my head their was always a chance of having a girl someday but now that I'm pretty sure that day won't come it's been hard.

On the flip side I think it's funny to have people look at me and say "are all these boys yours?" yes "well you have yourself a basketball team!" Yes I do! My boys are fun! We do fun things and they are good friends because they like the same things! I hope they grow up hunting together and camping together.  I hope they will still do this with their kids when they are old and gone. I love my boys.  I could never trade any of them for a girl.  But when I see people that cry when they find out their third child will be their third boy and tell me they were depressed about it for months then get a girl on number 4 it makes me mad.  It makes me mad I have been a good sport about it and laughed it off.  I never felt bad my boys were boys for more then a day. They throw a fit and get a girl.  I know that isn't how this all works but it dang sure feels that way.

Now my baby is almost not a baby and I've missed it.  Not only have I missed it but I'm not planning on having any more.  Maybe something will happen and my boys will start stepping up and helping to where I feel like I could do it.  I'm not planning on that but maybe. Even so I feel like I'm ready to move on from the 24 hours a day care a baby requires to the 12 hours a day a toddler requires. I hope my brain returns someday because I sure could use it!

Island park reunion

We went to yellowstone for a Palmer family reunion the end of June.  My sister in law that lives in Missouri was in town so it was a good time for a reunion.  My MIL rented a huge cabin for all of us to stay in and the kids loved being with their cousins.  One day we rented rafts and floated the river.  I was even brave and took Easton who lucky slept for awhile.  The river is shallow and slow moving so it was perfect for us with kids.  My boys even got to try out some kids kayaks their cousins had and my boys ask me every day when we are going to buy them some.  They loved it! It took us 3 hours though... next time we need older kids to help us paddle! We also went into yellowstone for a morning and saw old faithful.  The kids mostly wanted to play at the cabin with the other kids.  Or AKA roll around in the dirt.  They were so dirty every night!