16 weeks

I've hesitated posting something about my pregnancy because I've had such weird emotions about it but this is my life so I'll say something about it. 

Let me start by saying this- 5th pregnancies are NO JOKE. I have zero energy- like ever.  I'm really moody because of that.  I started getting sick at around 5 weeks and I usually have until about 6 or7 before I really start to feel it. This made christmas break horrible for me.  Lucky for me Christmas day I was ok for the morning but still felt crapy all day. When I start my medicine to keep me from puking it makes me really, really tired for at least a week.  It's hard.  I didn't know how I was going to function but I found a way and started to do a little better once January got going.  My nausea hasn't been as horrible as some of my other kids.  More like with Brett's pregnancy so that has been heaven sent.  I still feel sick a lot but I'm able to eat.  I think two things help this as well and that's starting my medicine as soon as I feel yucky and trying to eat a lot and keep on top of that.   Because of this I've gained a lot of weight.  I have a 9 week photo of my belly somewhere that you can really see my belly.  It's like my body said -your going to do this to me again I'll let it ALL hang out! I'm huge for how far along I am.  I'm 16 weeks in the photo above.  and the way I'm standing makes me look smaller in the picture then I am in person. 

I kind of had it in my mind that I was ok with just having 4 kids.  I was getting used to the idea of us being done with the baby stage.  I was surprised how had the news I was expecting was for me.  I knew it was sort of in the plan but I was starting to write it off I guess and I was super depressed about the idea of being pregnant.  Not really the idea of the baby just the idea of being sick for the next 9 months.  It's super depressing.  It's hard to wake up and know I'm going to feel like garbage today.  Especially when you are only 6 weeks pregnant and sick and have SO many more to go. I still have days I cry because I'm so tired of being sick.  

My heart likes to freak out on me.  It's worse then morning sickness.  Like today I'm having the worse heart day in awhile.  It's hard to explain what it does but like me try. It beats really hard but not only that it beats weird to pump all the extra blood my pregnant body has.  It feels like my body can't handle being pregnant really.  If you just finish running and your heart is pounding what do you do? You take a few deep breaths and relax for a minute for it to calm down.  Mine I will get up to do some laundry and I'm Huffin and Puffin to do that.  Not all the time mind you but at least a few times a day I get it bad.  It makes it so I can't do anything.  That on top of already being really tired, sick, and hurting (my body hates me really) my house has gone to pot.  I just lay down and feel like such a failure. My kids need me and I can't help them very well.  My husband wants me to be function and I'm not.  My house is gross and I hate it.  My little boys have taken advantage of the fact that i'm doing and started to ruin my house.  Just today Brett stuffed a lot of toilet paper in my sick and turned it on.  Now that sink is clogged.  They have been drawing on everything, staining my carpet.  You name it.  I had no idea how much I did until I couldn't do it anymore.  It's depressing.  I have to make myself get little things done so I don't go crazy.  But yesterday I did way too much and today I'm paying for it. 

Someone told me just to write my pregnancy months off and do the best I can.  How can you do that with kids? I can't just lay down all day.  I can't not be their mom anymore.  I feel apart one day when Bryan got home from a run that I was so done.  I feel like all I do is yell at my boys, especially my older ones.  I need their help so bad and yet they need to be kids.  I need them to get their homework done and do their after dinner chore and they fight me more then ever about it.  

Part of my problem is I'm depressed about it (not horribly just down in the dumps sort of thing) and I feel like not trying anymore but I can't. And doing that makes me feel worse.  Lucky of me it's warming up and we can go outside and sit in the sunshine.  Also lucky for me my boys are a little older and that has helped.  

I feel dumb being so wussy about this because I know so many people going through a lot worse things then me.  My friend Janet just buried her husband in January, my cousins son has cancer, my Aunt's cancer has been really bad, my grandpa had to go to a rest home.  People have it a lot harder them me.  At least I get the best thing ever out of this.  Another baby (most likely a boy).  So here is to 4 months down and 5 to go of this.  I hope I survive.