I'm turning 30 here in about a week and I've been doing a lot of self reflection the last few months or so about myself. I feel like I've lost who I am for the last few years. I am so busy taking care of little kids or being extremely stick and pregnant that I've had little time to really even think about myself let alone take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate that mothers have to live their lives totally for themselves and that kids just get in the way. I'm totally the opposite. My life is 100% centered around my family and I think I have it a little wrong. There are times where I just need to do something that I really enjoy because it makes me a happier person- therefore a happier mom. Which is what we all strive for I think. But when I had Brett my whole world flipped. I felt like every ounce of me went totally to just the basics of taking care of my kids and I had nothing left. It's a horrible feeling. I got a little depressed because I just didn't feel like I was good at anything because I did everything half way. The worse part is my kids and my husband got the brunt of it I'm sure. So here are a few things I have learned about myself now that I have a few minutes here and there to think about something other then dishes, diapers and kids!
Even though my husband doesn't believe me I do have hobbies! I really, really love taking pictures. I love to take lots and lots of them hoping to get that one amazing shot that I will love for a lifetime. I love to put photos in books and scrapbook them. I love looking at them. I even love looking at other peoples photos. I feel like I can capture a little bit of my children's childhood in a picture. Little drops of memories. I love my nice camera I bought a few years ago. I love to bring it with me and sorry for those who it bothers but I taking two seconds for your kid to look at me isn't that big of a deal. Especially when later they are like "oh I need a copy of that picture!" yep you do because you didn't think to bring a camera and now you want all the pictures I take because I do. Hey I know how it works.
I love to sew. But I have to be in the mood. I hate the math in it- figuring out sizes and taking out the amount you sew etc. I love to see a blanket come together. I wish I had more time, money and patiences to sew. This one is the one that has been neglected the most I'm afraid because who can sew with a baby at your feet trying to push the peddle! I can't at least.
I LOVE my flower beds! I love to garden! I don't even mind pulling weeds to some extent. I am always moving flowers around and added more here and there. I love it when people tell me who good my flower beds look. They are a lot of work! I wish I had more of them though. Something I'm trying to talk Bryan into.
One thing Bryan wishes I loved but I hate is cleaning. I don't enjoy cleaning. For some it's almost a hobby but for me it's ALL Chore. I love a clean house but with my 4 little boys it just never stays that way for more then 30 minutes and it makes me crazy. I had to let it go and be content with a few toys on the floor. I'm ok with laundry that needs to be folded and a few dishes in the sink. I will admit that when there is junk everywhere it makes me crazy and I have to get it up because I feel stressed with too much clutter. So sorry honey- I am not going to have a spotless house. At least while my kids are young. I'm ok with that. I would rather do things I love or be with those I love instead of cleaning.
I'm starting to feel more confident in myself. I know it ends up being a bad thing sometimes but if someone doesn't like me so what. I don't try to put people off but if you walk by and I'm yelling at my kids (which I wish I did less of but it's the truth) and you pass judgement on me it sounds like your problem not mine. I'm sure this is the reason I don't have any real good friends but I'm just trying to survive my life. This drives Bryan CRAZY because he REALLY cares what people think about him. He acts like he doesn't but he is really does. He is always getting after me for stuff I say or do. I'm just myself all the time. I don't put on a fake face to people and while I don't tell people off if I'm mad about something I have a super hard time hiding it. So I'm sorry if I say something that offends you. I never say something to make someone feel bad on purpose and I apologize for that. I am what I am and I'm sorry if you don't like it. I like to talk a lot. Sorry but that's just me. I use a lot of hand gestures when I talk. It's weird I know but it's not a bad thing so deal with it. I raise my voice and sound mad when I'm not. That is something I'm working on but it's hard to work on something you don't know your doing it until it's done. I yell too much- true and something I don't like about myself. I get overwhelmed a lot and yell. I'm sorry though if someone is sitting on Brett's head I'm not going to be polite and ask them to kindly get off. I yell! Get off your brothers head!! If someone wakes Brett up early from a nap (my biggest pet peeve) I am going to yell at them. Which happens EVER DAY and drives me CRAZY! I need those naps to survive! Even though I don't act like it I like to spend time with my boys. I feel bad when the men in the Palmer family are always the ones going out and doing fun things and the women say home and watch kids. What is up with that? This isn't 1913 it's 2013. I think men should help with the kids when they are home. I think it should be 50/50 that way. Not cleaning just taking care of kids. Like changing diapers! I bet I've changed over 15000 diapers if not more.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough. I'm ready for feeling like I'm worth something and people are missing out that don't know me. So here's to turning 30- I'm ready for a new chapter in my life! Lots of taking and raising kids and a little more part dedicated to me because that's ok.
2 comments:
I have to say that your post made me a little sad when you said you were tired of feeling like u were not enough. Truth be told though I could relate to so many things you said. It's hard being a mom sometimes...and so wonderful too. I really wish we could scrapbook together and lived close enough to swap photography ideas! I know we would have fun!!
Can I just say amen. Being a wife and mom is hard and changes you in ways that you never anticipated.
There are times I feel like I a have lost myself in all the comings and goings and goings and goings of life. A while back, Brian, in an attempt to help me feel less stressed, suggested I take up a hobby find something I love to do just for me. I couldn't think of a lot of things I just love doing as Aimee. I do this and this, and I like doing this as Mommy and Wifey, but as Aimee... Sure there are some things I like but how do I fit it in and justify the cost and... In any case I have been trying to do more for me. I say leave those dishes tonight and make a huge scrapbook mess. The dishes will not run away (too bad), you can do them tomorrow.
I have also come that same realization that there is no way to please everyone and that I'm not really going to worry about those who judge me. That's something they can worry about. Sure, I have faults. I know it... man, do I know it. But I am working on it. Take me or leave me, those are your options. And by the way, I don't want to hear about Jane-down-the road's faults either. I'm sure she knows all about them and is trying too.
Here's to leaving the pile of laundry to play with your kids. Here's to planning and GOING ON girls' nights, even if it's by yourself. Here's to letting the hubby take your load sometimes even if it means a less-than-nutritious meal. Here's to "clocking out" at 8pm. Here's to locking the bathroom door. Here's to taking care of me too. Here's to all we've learned in 30 years and here's to moving ahead and using that knowledge.
Love ya Heather.
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